Funny things to do/say...

[MoonFlower]

IN A RESTROOM

Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

Drop a marble and say, "Oh shoot! My glass eye!"

Say "Darn, this water is cold."

Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.

Say, "Now how did that get there?"

Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

Fill up a large flask with apple juice. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters"

Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?

Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!"

Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

Say, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks

Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Oooh, you might want to get a doctor to check that out"

Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

By standing mens urinals: "Do you mind holding this for me while I light my cigarette?"

Say, "Oh sweet! A peanut!"

When peeing, scream: "IT BURNS!!! IT BURNS!!!!

[MoonFlower]

ON THE BUS

Sell used bus tickets. Claim they are for half the price.

Get on the bus, grinning widely. As soon as the bus begins to move, burst into song. When you arrive at the next stop, stop singing. Step off the bus backwards, still grinning widely.

If you are seated between two passengers, yawn loudly, strech, and put your arms around them.

Greet passengers with a big hug, handshake, smile and say "Hi, call me Norman"

Put a leash on a friend and walk him/her onto the bus. Insist he/she is a dog and should go for half fare.

When arriving at your stop, do not push the button to open the doors. Instead try to open them manually. When this does not work, yell, scream, pound on them, and stamp your feet. If someone attempts to help you, slap them.

Stand in the aisle and loudly have a pretend phone conversation with yourself.

Bring a sleeping bag and sleep on the bus.

Sit in alone in a two seater. If someone attempts to sit next to you, insist that your invisible friend, Burt, is sitting there.

When the bus driver announces a stop, repeat the stop name over and over. When the driver announces the next stop, repeat this one instead.

Dangle from the hanging rings by your feet. Giggle maniacally as you sway to and fro.

Strip

Start a cheer for the bus driver

Take a long time to buy a bus ticket, while a friend holds the doors. When you get on, eat the ticket.

Stomp down the aisle loudly. When you reach the end of the bus, turn around on one foot, and stomp back. If you bump into someone, shove them.

Bring a notepad. Sit in the seat right behind the bus driver. Write suggestive notes to the driver.

At each stop, get off the bus. Have a friend hold the doors for you while you buy a magazine. Get back on. Buy the same magazine each time. Pile them one of the seats.

When there are a lot of empty seats, sit on the floor.

If there are no empty seats left, say to a complete stranger "Thats ok, I'll just sit on your lap", and do so.

Bring a towel and sunscreen. Sunbathe in the bus. If anyone tries to make you move, insist he is blocking your rays.

Place chewed gum in all the door open buttons.

Have a friend take pictures of you hugging or with your arms around random passengers.

Insist that you frisk everyone before they can get on. If someone resists, karate chop them.

Lie on the floor of the bus. When you reach your stop, roll off.

Leave a penny on your seat. Get off the bus. When it leaves, chase it to the next stop. Retrieve your coin and sigh with relief.

Make motorcycle noises when the bus is moving. When it slows down, slow down, when it speeds up, speed up, when it stops, stop, and when it starts again, start again.

When you get on the bus, rap loudly "My name is ......., check, I live in ......, check, I'm on the scene, check."

Wear your socks on your ears. Ask everyone if they've seen them. If someone tries to tell you, accuse him/her of stealing them.

Get on the bus. Laugh hysterically until you get off.

Sit in the front of the first pair of doors in the bus. When the bus stops, get off and run to the pair of doors in the middle. Get back on. At the next stop, get off at these doors and run back to the first. Repeat at every stop.

Sit in the doorway and read a book. When the doors close on you, scream until they open again, then go back to reading.

Have a picnic on the floor. Include stuffed animals. Talk to them.

Run up to a stranger and act as though you know them. See if they go along with it.

Get on the bus. Take off your shoes and put them each on a different seat. Do the same thing with your socks. Get off crying "I'm free! I'm free!"

Draw a face on your pinkey finger. Talk to the other passengers through it.

Start a sing-a-long {ding-a-long hahahhaha, omg}

Decorate the bus for the nearest holiday. If someone questions your actions, explain that you are just "getting into the holiday spirit."

Wear a swim suit, goggles, and flippers. Wherever you walk, make swimming movements.

Play Twister. Try to get others to join.

Bake cupcakes and bring them onto the bus. Hand them out to the passengers, claiming that its your birthday and you wanted to celebrate.

Bring pillows. Start a pillow fight.

Two words: Silly string

If you are sitting next to someone, pretend to fall asleep. Lay your head on his/her shoulder and snore. If he/she shoves you off, pretend to wake up and say "sorry, must've dozed off" repeat every five minutes.

Sing everything you say

Greet passengers getting on the bus with "Welcome aboard flight 231," and give them a bag of honey roasted peanuts.

Bring a fishing rod. Try to snag other passengers' possessions with it.

Crawl around the bus on your hands and knees as if looking for something. Look in silly places such as under passengers shoes or beneath newspapers. If someone asks what you are looking for, answer "My tarantula. He couldn't have gotten far."

Wear a chicken costume. Try to talk to the other passengers by clucking. When they don't understand, become frustrated and cluck even faster while making agitated movements.

Try to press the door open button with your tongue.

Wear a Chinese new years dragon costume with a friend and continuously do the Congo.

Make sure your shoe laces are tied and then trip over nothing. Laugh and say "How silly of me" tie your shoe laces together and hobble off the tram.

Bring skis. Wear them.

Put a Lego person in your pants. Ask passengers if they want to meet the little guy who lives in your pants. Then unzip your fly, pull him out, and introduce him.

Ask for passengers names and make seating charts. Change them as passengers come and go.

Paint your toenails.

Pretend to read a book upside down. Comment often on how good it is.

Bring a flashlight and use it as though you can't see without it

[MoonFlower]

TO SAY TO A TRAFFIC COP

That uniform makes your butt look really big.

I wanted to be a cop but decided to finish high school instead.

You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on Cops?

Gee, thanks! The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

A 9mm? Sheesh! Check out this .44 magnum!

Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)

Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!

Are You Andy or Barney?

I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.

I pay your salary!

Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.

Officer: "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?", respond with,"Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"

[MoonFlower]

AT A PUBLIC POOL

Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met.

Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today.

Ask people if they have seen your pet shark.

Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys.

Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim.

Hit strangers with your flutter board.

Ask an attractive lifeguard to practice CPR on you.

Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....''

Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move.

Swim near a stranger and go ''Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here. ''

Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool.

Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!''

Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board.

Laugh at fat people in swimsuits.

Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool.

Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed.

Try to negotiate the price of getting in.

Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off.

When in line, ask strangers if they think invisible people get a discount.

Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ''Wheee! I'm Batman!'' while running around.

Hit strangers with your wet towel.

Throw people's things into the pool.

Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grand-finale.

Play Marco-Polo by yourself.

Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

[MoonFlower]

ON AN ELEVATOR

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.

Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

Sell Girl Scout cookies.

On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

Shave.

Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"

Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

One word: Flatulence!

On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

Do Tai Chi exercises.

Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce:"I've got new socks on!"

When at least eight people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

Give religious tracts to each passenger.

Meow occasionally.

Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

Frown and mutter "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say "Oops!"

Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.

Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

Burp, and then say: "Mmmm... tasty!"

Leave a box between the doors.

Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

Start a sing-along.

When the elevator is silent, look around and ask: "Is that your beeper?"

Play the harmonica.

Shadow box.

Say "Ding!" at each floor.

Lean against the button panel.

Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

Bring a chair along.

Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"

Blow spit bubbles.

Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.

Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."

If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

[MoonFlower]

IN A DRIVE-THRU

Walk through

Order a quarter pounder, a half pounder, a pounder, and a 5 pounder. When they tell u they only have quarter pounders say something like "I'm taking my business elsewhere". Come back 5 minutes later.

DO NOT drive through to the next window

Act like your some Mafia guy and say something like "I want 5 burgers in a paper bag. You have 24 hours... And to show you we mean business you have 3 minutes."

Go on a bicycle

Do previous, except with a few friends. you must ride in front of them. When you get close to the window yell to them "hey you kids, shut up back there or I'm turning this car right around and were going home !!!"

Stay as far from the window as you can

When it comes time to pay them say "OK your money should be ready in about 5 minutes. Please go over to the waiting area."

Order food, pay, then speed away without taking your food. Laugh manically.

Order in 3rd person

Pay with only pennies. Count them out 1 at a time.

If at Taco Bell say "yo queiro" before everything you order ( yo queiro a chicken supreme)

If at Macdonald's say mc before everything (ie: I would mclike a mcburger and mcfries...)

Order things from other restaurants (go to Macdonald's and order a whopper ) when they tell u its not possible, give them an angry look and say "I said do it!!"

Do previous, except with alcoholic beverages.

Ask the employees what they would like.

Go on a hunger strike.

Order your meals "for here" then park your car in the middle of the lane and eat.

Tell them to hold the bun.

Get out and wash your car in the drive through lane.

Pretend u have an imaginary friend beside u. ask them what they would like then say "we'll have...

Say romantic things to the ordering machine.

Order really unspecific things like: " meat with bun and drink" then drive through before they can say anything.

Bang on the ordering machine and yell "stupid thing ate my quarter!"

Drive through and say that you're "just browsing"

Tell them to wait while u ask the person in the trunk what they are ordering.

Specifically order your meal "To go!"

[MoonFlower]

WHILE DRIVING

Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.

At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.

Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.

Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.

Laugh a lot. A whole lot.

Stop at the green lights.

Go at the red ones.

Two words: Chicken suit.

Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

Eat food that requires silverware.

Pass cars, then drive very slowly.

Sing without having the radio on.

Honk frequently without motivation.

Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.

Ask people for Grey Poupon.

Let pedestrians know who's boss.

Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

Restart your car at every stop light.

Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rea r-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.

While stopped at a light, urinate out the window/ sunroof onto other cars.

Paint your car with occult symbols.

Keep at least five cats in the car.

Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.

Stop and collect roadkill

Stop and pray to roadkill.

Throw Spam at other cars.

Get in the fast lane and gradually...slow...down... to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.

[MoonFlower]

TO SAY TO A TELEMARKETER

Speak to the little lady of the house
We have a 5-year-old daughter who loves to talk. If I answer the phone and discover a telemarketer on the other end, I just quietly hand the phone to our daughter ... and let the fun begin!

Give them the man of the house
When they ask for the man of the house, I ask them to hold; then I put my 2-year-old son on the phone.

Have I got a deal for you
Interrupt the telemarketer's sales pitch and ask them if they would like to buy something from you (could be anything that you're selling). That will usually get them to end the call.

I do
Ask the telemarketer to marry you. Seriously, this will probably shock them and they won't know what to say.

You have reached my voicemail
Say: "Hello." (Wait on them to start talking.) "I'm sorry we can't come to the phone right now. Please leave a message. Beep."

Funny you called
"You know, I was just thinking about (doing, buying) just that very same thing. So, I said to myself, 'Self, why don't you just (do, buy) it and get over it.' To my amazement, self replied with a loud, 'GO FOR IT!'" (Keep talking to take control of the conversation, never letting the telemarketer speak so he or she can't actually try to sell you anything.) "Well, me and myself will discuss it more and we'll get back to you."

From a country song
"I'd love to, but my wife just left me, she cut the tires on my truck, I had to bury my dog, and I only have half a Bud Light bottle left. I'm not worried about the rest, but if you start selling beer, give me a call."

Have you planned for the future?
When I see "out of area" on the caller ID, I answer the phone with the name of a made-up insurance company. Then I try to sell the person life insurance. I'll ask questions like, "What if something happened to you?" or "Are you sure your final needs can be met?" Usually, they end up hanging up on me.

Reply in gibberish
Answer the phone in a pretend foreign language.

She's not … here
I have told people that the person they were asking for was hideously mangled in a train wreck. If they ask for my wife, I sometimes say that she recently left me, then tell the caller she sounds cute and ask her out.

And you are?
I'd love to hear more about why you are calling me, but I'm in the middle of dinner right now. Why don't you give me your home number so I can call and irritate you in the middle of your meal?

Keep talking
Rather than find creative ways in which to hang up on telemarketers, I decided many years ago that I could provide a public service by keeping them on the phone for as long as possible. The longer they spend with me, the less time they have to call other people. Often, they'll hang up on me before I can hang up on them!

What did I win?
Sometimes I'll act as if the sales call is one to inform me that I've won a prize. I'll exclaim, "I've never won anything in my life!" Then I'll ask for details on when and how my prize will be sent to me. And no matter how many times it's explained to me, I will never quite understand that I've won nothing and instead am being asked to buy something.

I'm already connected
If I'm being offered a loan or mortgage refinance, I'll ask if it can "fly under the radar," because I have a large loan at a very high interest rate from "family" who would become very upset if I obtained loans elsewhere. I'll suggest that we meet somewhere discreet to discuss details.

Ever hear of women's lib?
My wife is especially perturbed when they ask for the "Man of the House." So she then starts talking in hushed tones and saying, "Oh, no sir. The Master isn't here. He keeps me locked down here in the basement when he goes out, so I can't check for him now."

Phone flirting
I am big on the phone flirting. Use your best Joey voice from "Friends": "How you doin?" or, "You sound really attractive. Do you call here often?"

How long do you have?
Say: "Sorry to interrupt you. I really want to talk to you, but can you hold on for a few minutes? I just need to finish up the call from the last telemarketer. He called me about an hour ago."

What's it worth?
"Now before I listen to your pitch, there are a few things we need to cover. My minimum rate for listening is $35 an hour. Of course, I can offer you upgrades that give you additional benefits, as well as a greater chance that I may buy what you are selling. The deluxe package is $55 per hour and offers a 2 percent chance of purchase, and the super-deluxe package is $75 per hour, and offers a 3 percent chance of purchase. Now before we get to that, I will need you to send in an application as well as a minimal application fee of $55. You will also need to include with your payment a $35 payment for a credit report. Once your credit has been approved, I will be able to accept your non-refundable good-faith security deposit, which I require, of $100. After closing, and you have paid my standard closing costs of $250, we will then be able to proceed with your sales pitch. Can I sign you up?"

Call the cult
"Sorry I can't talk, I am about to cut off my tongue to achieve ultimate power."

It's good enough for Cuba
I always get them to scream, "Show me the money!" like in "Jerry Maguire."

[MoonFlower]

RESTAURANT

Pretend to be a foreigner and use broken english to order your food. Use the wrong words for everything (Example: "Yes, hello, I would alike some...uh...oh, thems hot cats with tunabutter and...uhh... some of the...uh, liquid powder.)

When the waitress comes to your table with the drinks you ordered, jump to get yours while knocking over all of the other drinks spilling water everywhere.

Drop your fork onto the floor beside you. Then bend down to try to get it but hit your knee on the underside of the table with your head very close to the table to try to get the effect that you bent down fast to pic up your spoon and you slammed you head on the table.

Cough at people with a mean look.

At a fancy restaurant chew your ice very loudly with your mouth open. Try to get pieces of ice to fly out onto the table.

Go into a fancy restaurant and pretend you just got back from the dentist and he had just given you tons of Novocain.

Leave fake dog poop in the seat.

Flirt with a waiter of the same sex and try to get extra food.

Take off your shoes and put them on the table neatly beside you.

Order your food and then change your mind over and over and over again until you get kicked out.

Say "Man this looks exactly like a chicken's head!!".

Walk out of the bathroom and say "Man its smells FRESH out here !!"

Walk out of the bathroom and say "Man that was a struggle !!"

Order the most expensive thing on the menu and send it to someone on the other side of the room saying, "They are to shy to order themselves, just put it on their bill."

Order wine (if you're of age) and smell the inside of the bottle after it is opened and say, "Is there any POOP in this? Sure smells like it..."

Order: "Your most expensive meal, stuffed with your 2nd most expensive meal" (This will likely be something like "steak stuffed with tacos" )

Go to a nice restaurant and sit down at a table alone and when the waitress comes to take your order lean back in your chair and just fall back and take the table cloth with you. Then get up and ask for a different chair because you think the one you sat in was defective.

[MoonFlower]

IN A SUPERMARKET

Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.

Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.

Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.

Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.

Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.

Play with the automatic doors.

Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.

While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"

Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."

Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.

Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.

As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"

Put M&M's on layaway.

Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.

Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"

Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.

Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.

When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"

When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"

Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"

Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.

Take bets on the battle described above.

Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.

Hold indoor shopping cart races.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."

Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.

Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.

Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

Two words: "Marco Polo."

Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.

"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.

In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.

When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.

Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.

When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"

Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.

Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax.

If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

[MoonFlower]

SAY IT TO THE PIZZA GUY

Ask what the order taker is wearing.

Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

Answer their questions with questions.

Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

Ask for chips/fries with everything!

Ask for extra homo-sapient

Ask for the guy who took your order last time.Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

Ask if them if they get a free date with one of the staff if you make order over $30.

Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza

Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

Ask if they can put food color in the cheese.

Ask the man/woman if they can sculpt the pizza into your favorite celebrity.

Ask to see a menu.

Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

backwards pizza your order

Be vague in your order.

Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

Change your accent every three seconds.

Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If (s)he says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."

Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"

Eliminate verbs from your speech.

Engage in some serious swapping

Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your time of day wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up

Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

If (s)he suggests a side order, ask why (s)he is punishing you.

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.

If you live next door or on the same block as the pizza place, ask them to deliver with their pizza truck.

Imitate the order taker's voice.

In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

Keep telling the order taker about the other pizza place you sued last year.

Laugh every minute or two, mention the cat in the microwave!

Learn the topping codes or abbreviations and use them instead of the name (e.g. pp instead of double pepperoni).

Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it

Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.

Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."

Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

Order a one-inch pizza.

Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

Order a steamed pizza.

Order one with ants.

Order term life insurance.

Order the most expensive pizza and have it sent to your boss!

Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

Order using lines from different movies (Luke, I am your "customer"-Darth Vader)

Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

Order your pizza, singing in falsetto!

Pass the phone around to everyone in the house -- have each person change the order a little.

Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

Play a sitar in the background.

Pretend that you were trying to call 911 when they tell you you have the wrong # say oh well start to order... In the middle of your order stop and start to panic and yell “IT’S ABOUT TO BLOW” and hang up.

Pretend your flying a jet fighter in the Gulf War while ordering.

Psychoanalyze the order taker.

Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

Put them on hold.

Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.

Rent a pizza.

Repeat every third third word twice

Report a petty theft to the order taker.

Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

Say your order as fast as humanly possible.

Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

Shout, "I'm through with (wo)men! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD.

Spill out your life story and ask them to they understand, if they say yes, Scream "liars, I don't believe you!" and hang up!

Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and. . . action!"

Start your order with "I'd like. . .". A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."

State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

St-tt-t-utter, b-b-bb-badly

Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

Try to talk while drinking something.

When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"

When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

When they say, "What would you like?"--say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

When they say, "Will that be all?"--snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"

When you're given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

[MoonFlower]

Hahahaha! God these crack me up! ^_^ haha